I am "supposed" to be studying. All prior life experience tells me I "should" be studying right now... at least that is what I have always done... I have never been sure that I know quite enough. But somehow, I'm really not all that worried about it. And honestly, that lack of worry feels like an achievement! Considering it wasn't that many months ago that I stayed up until 2am reading over notes on zone therapy so I could feel "sure" that I was prepared to read toes at the event I'd be setting up for at 7am... I'd say certainty and self-trust are not always my strongest points. I'm getting better at that.
It is possible that as a professional I am not supposed to talk about these sorts of things, but I think I am a human first; and perhaps by being vulnerable, I can help someone else find some strength. It has been about 10 years since I realized that I needed to start creating my own life and began seeking knowledge and thinking about who I really was. It has been little more than two years since I took the time to really decide how I wanted to create my life and planned the steps to actually accomplish it. Strength has taken time to develop. Apparently it is still developing. But at this moment, I am feeling pretty good about it, and this is why.
I just found out minutes ago that I will be taking my clinical certification exam tomorrow. I will be going straight there from other responsibilities and will have no time tomorrow to study. I sat down here to study now... but I decided to write this blog instead. Certainly this is not the first test I have taken nor the first certification I have gotten. It is, however, the first time I am not going to freak out. I am not going to sacrifice peace and sleep to stay up all night studying for something that I know I am qualified for. I have done it time and time again for tests that I knew forward and backward and always aced. I am going to trust myself this time instead. That's right, I said it... I am going to TRUST myself!
I can think of so many times in life when trusting myself probably would've been the smoother route... but I suppose these things take some of us time to learn. Over the past year and a half I have pushed myself to do a lot of things that I wasn't sure I was "ready" for, but knew that I wanted to do. I have learned to recognize the fear of failure, ask myself "what's the worst that could actually come of this?", accept that it is not the end of the world and how the benefit likely outweighs the risk, and jump in anyway. So far everything has turned out fine. Some things may not have gone as well as others, but each and every thing was a learning experience and motivated me to better the next attempt. The only way to get "ready" for anything is to get the experience. We cannot get the experience from the sidelines. If you want to learn to swim, you are going to have to get your feet wet.
With each client that I serve, I learn new and better ways to be of service. With each client that I serve, I also learn new and better ways to trust my intuition in that process. Life is a growth process, there is always room for improvement, but that does not make us unworthy as we are. Yes, I can get better, but I have also learned to recognize that I am already enough. This does not mean that I don't want that certification, but it does mean that I don't need it to validate me. And I am ready. I am confident that I know my work as a hypnotherapist because I use it effectively and it comes to me naturally, along with an understanding of people that enables me to connect and to serve. I don't need a test to prove that, but I would like to have that certification in order to show my clients that I take my role seriously and that I have taken the extra steps to gain the highest level of skill and certification possible to better serve them. Because I know that I am good at what I do and that I have passionately engaged in learning as much as possible throughout my practice, I don't think a frantic study session is going to serve me right now. Instead, I think I will make a cup of tea and be still for awhile, taking the time to recognize all that I am, embracing the depth of all that I've learned, and trusting the possibility of all that may come.
I am not saying that studying is never useful... please don't use this as an excuse not to study or practice anything! I am saying that if I am not prepared by now, I will not be prepared tomorrow. And I am saying that there comes a point when it is okay to recognize and accept the level of preparedness you have. And I am saying that it is always important to trust yourself. Yes, a frantic study session may refresh my mind on a few terms and get me an exhausted and depleted 100%... but without that session, I will do just fine. I think I will trust that.
And after the test, I am going to start looking for a deeper pool to jump in...