I haven't been here in a while... Things have been a little bit cluttered, and I have been trying my best to keep it all sorted, and I thought I was managing it... but perhaps not so well as I thought I was. Sometimes it takes a series of unfortunate events to lead us to the realization of how we need to grow... sometimes it takes less... but because I am hard-headed, often times it takes more. Several times in the last month or so I have wanted to write something in this blog. I felt moved to share something with you. But I let what I perceived to be the demands of the day-to-day prevent me from doing so. Not that those demands aren't real... Children do need to be fed and schoolwork does need to be done and all of life's little responsibilities do need to be met... but not in a way that is overwhelming... not in a way that consumes or squelches out our passions. Things can be shifted. Time can be made. Priorities can be chosen. So I will probably never share with you the story I was carrying around about the Little Dipper or about bubbles in the kitchen or my thoughts and realizations that were stirred by the recent election and the various reactions to it...I wanted to, but the time seems to have passed... and I probably wouldn't even be writing this right now, if not for a few broken flowers.
In the last month of grappling with a large amount of essays and reading and last minute long term projects on top of frequent severe hypoglycemia, I've felt a little out of sorts and very much not on top of it. I started to let these things overwhelm me and began to believe that I didn't have enough time. There is always ENOUGH time! This all came to a head last Saturday. I didn't wake up that morning. I haven't woken up a lot of mornings recently. And when my husband was able to administer emergency medication and bring me back to consciousness, I was immediately frantic because I had things to do and places to be! As usual, I did not allow myself time to recover. But after a month of continually doing this, I was starting to get tired. I rushed to get in that last discussion post, threw some clothes on, and rushed the kids out to see Santa.
I have this habit of pushing and not wanting to admit that I may need a moment to recover. I want to be strong. I wanted to take my kids to this event so that they could have fun and they did, but I ended up missing half of the event because my blood sugar was still dropping and I wasn't able to be fully present with them. Even after it came up and I could be there, I was incredibly exhausted. I realized at this point that continually ignoring my own needs for recovery was interfering with my family experience. And that, I knew, needed to change. We did, however, win a beautiful poinsettia flower. A beautiful poinsettia flower, which my loving Heman of a husband tried to carry in atop a towering stack of stuff and dropped on the way up the stairs.
The main stem broke clean off. The entire beautiful bunch of blooms was separated from the plant. It hurt my heart a little. My initial reaction was disappointment, but then, I picked up the flowers, admired their beauty, and put the entire vibrant bundle into an essence. An essence that I believe will inspire hope. When life gives you broken flowers, make an essence. Writing is not the only passion I have been ignoring lately. Had I been in a better place, I probably would have thought to do this immediately. But I think this essence is all the more powerful because the flowers were part of my transformation of state. And here I am making time to write about it.
Life is full of choices... Things happen. We can rail against them or we can flow with them. And whether we are talking about the time I have to leave for work and whether or not I take the time to stop and admire the constellations on the way in, or an excess of bubbles when the sink is left running in the kitchen and whether or not I allow myself to stop and play in them, or the outcome of an election and whether or not I accept the needed societal changes and find my part in inspiring them, or whether or not I allow myself the time to recover from the physical aspects of a disability, or whether or not I cry over broken flowers... the message is ultimately the same.
We need to make space. Yes, life often gets a little cluttered but it's never about pushing through to the next clearing. If we keep pushing, we'll never get to it. It's about finding the space within right now. It's about finding the way to best BE in the moment... and allowing that intuitive guidance to flow through... and when we find that space we can suddenly see the goodness of all that is... we can see the goodness of a broken flower, or a month of low blood sugars, or a broken system, or anything else that we may have been railing against. We can see from that space the opportunity for growth and we can flow into it. Let's stay open. Let's keep growing. Whatever life gives you... let's find the good in it.