From a young age, I have felt called. I remember being 10 and wearing my miraculous medal and being afraid to tell my mother that I thought I was supposed to be a nun... I knew she'd be disappointed in a lack of grandbabies... and yes, at the age of 10, I considered the fact that my mother would want grandbabies. I don't think I ever vocalized that... but it was on my mind for quite some time... and years later I wondered if it was a call I should have answered. Regardless of passing up that calling, over the years I have remained focused on serving and helping and well, loving and being compassionate. If you know me, you may find the idea that I considered nunhood silly. I am not overly religious and I really don't hold any order to my worship or structure to my beliefs. I do worship and I do practice in my own free-flow sort of way. I do know faith and I do know God. I don't personally know what He likes to be called, nor do I really think it matters, and I don't really think of Him as a separate entity... But I know that there is a unifying source that exists within each of us and of which we are all a part. I know that all things are united in the One and that consciousness separates us from that reality. I know that there is Love always and flowing. And I seek to serve by allowing that Love to flow through me. Over the years I have come across many ways to serve this purpose and I have come to the realization that the possibilities are really quite endless. It took me a great number of heart-wrenching experience to come to the conclusion that this is my calling and that it can honestly be served any way that I choose as long as I am true to it. So why am I always pushing it so hard? And why am I seemingly reluctant to choose?
I am aware of the fact that I can bring love to anything that I do, but somewhere buried deep in my mind is still the idea that there is a "right" or "wrong" way to do it. I am always looking for a new way or a better way or wondering if I've chosen the "right" way to communicate the message or if there's a way that I'm "supposed" to get it out there more. Rather than committing to one way I am always trying to expand the number of ways in my toolbox. I am always waiting for confirmation that any one of them is more "right" than the other. I am always looking for more specific direction or verification or some kind of sense that I have reached the summit. I am always waiting for someone to acknowledge that the message has at some point been heard. Sometimes I forget the value of stillness. I forget to be patiently open. I forget to stop assuming that any particular question is important and just allow any insight to come. I forget to simply allow the flow rather than try to direct it. What I mean by that is, instead of focusing my energy on finding a large scale way to share this message with the world, perhaps instead I should just be open to the opportunity to share it within my everyday existence. Perhaps I should just BE the message and the sharing will naturally come. Instead of trying to decipher or find direction... perhaps I should just wait and see where I end up... knowing that wherever it is will be right where I am meant to be... knowing that whomever I touch, will be exactly who needs it.
I am aware that it takes action for things happen, but there seems to be a fine line between allowing things to happen and making things happen... between facilitating action and forcing action. Between accepting opportunities and trying to force one's way through a wall. When there is too much pushing and too much action, there is no room for guidance... there is no space through which Spirit may come. So today I am focusing on stillness. I am taking a break from business plans and appearances and speaking gigs and certifications and I am drinking a cup of hot matcha. Yes, hot; because it is like 0 degrees outside. And I now take a moment to turn it over. I take a moment to step back and ASK for guidance. I take a moment to release my ideas of what "should" happen and simply submit my will. And as I sit here looking out the window, I notice my son's artwork from school. And I think well, hey, maybe someone has been listening... and maybe... for right now... that's enough.