Have you ever just felt like there is something coming? Something more to be realized? Something you're overlooking? Something that feels as if it will hit you suddenly like a ton of bricks? And you're not sure exactly how it's affecting you or why you need to see it, but you know you want it and you're ready for it.... and maybe you find yourself putting things off thinking they can be better accomplished once this realization hits. And maybe you question your own sanity in the process... "Am I just a crazy person making excuses not to do this, or is it really gonna be better if I wait?"
This is pretty much how my brain has been operating for the past month or so. I put off finalizing the submission for an upcoming book. I put off finalizing the development of some online classes. I put off finalizing advertising for current classes. I put off making any major decisions about where I am putting my focus. And while from the outside all of this putting off may look a lot like procrastinating... I didn't feel that it was. I could have accomplished any of these tasks with ease... In fact... I did finish several of them more than once, I just didn't take the final step to put them out there. Why? Because I felt there was something more. I know they are good enough as they are, but I wanted to have some clarity before taking that final step, and I trusted my gut instinct. Sometimes we do put things off because of self-doubt, and I'm aware of that for sure. I questioned if there wasn't some doubt on a deeper level that was getting in my way. But something kept telling me to make more space and wait for a message. So I decided to trust and wait. After all, its seldom in my time, right?
Here's the really crazy part. I convinced myself that the answer would come from a rock. I have a favorite rock on a favorite mountain on the other side of the country that I suddenly got an opportunity to visit in the midst of a heart-wrenching mission to support a terminal friend. I have gained many insights while sitting on this rock in the Red Rock Mountains. I was convinced that again, an answer would come to me there. I even told the publisher of said book, "I will get it written after I go to my rock. I will get my clarity there." That doesn't sound psycho at all, right?
In the midst of a difficult journey, supporting a terminally ill friend, I made space to go see this rock. I just wanted to touch it... Feel the cold limestone against my skin... Wait for the guidance. In the past a small purple flower that grows near this rock has always validated my path... showing up in different regions across the country whenever I questioned, whenever I doubted. I so wanted to see that flower on this trip. I wanted to gain new insight and I wanted that insight to be validated. But flowers don't grow in the Red Rocks in January. While my trip to the mountain was beautiful and peaceful and healing, and the rocks were grounding with their quiet strength, I didn't gain any sudden awareness... and again I doubted myself. What had I been waiting for? Was I just making excuses? Was I just avoiding the risk of putting myself out there? I am out here inspiring others to embrace themselves and live their own divinity... was I still coming from that place of "not enough"?
I returned to my sick friend a little disappointed but grateful for my morning amid the rocks. Any of you who has come to me for Reiki, knows that I often get some intuitive guidance during sessions. My friend was in pain and I did Reiki for her. During this treatment I kept hearing the word TRUST. Loud and clear. Over and over. I wasn't sure if I should share it. She is dying. How do you tell someone who is dying that the message you are getting for her is TRUST? I am aware that trust is needed... in all situations. But this is very difficult to explain to a person in the throes of grief. I know. I've been there. I've not been dying, any more than we all are, but I've had my share of struggles and my share of losses... and it always comes down to the same thing. I need to TRUST. I need to trust that there is purpose to everything even if I am unable to understand it. I need to trust that whatever unfolds, even if it feels tragic, is somehow serving a greater cause. I need to trust in God's love. I need to trust that a higher power knows best. I wasn't about to tell all this to a friend on her death bed. But I shared the word Trust with her, and it opened up a great deal of emotional release and healing.
"I do Trust!" she proclaimed. "I Trust that I will be healed from this." And, I do believe that she can be healed. I believe in miracles I am open to them. I even hope for them. But the message I was getting didn't feel like that is what it meant. It felt like the trust that was needed was one without expectation. It felt like the trust that was needed was a trust that no matter what comes to pass, it will somehow be right. The trust that was needed was a trust in God's will... a trust in God's love... even when it doesn't look exactly as we think it should in our lives. I didn't explain any of that. I simply encouraged her to allow the release and stayed focused on the treatment... holding her as she cried. I listened to her release questions and doubts that had been plaguing her and I watched her begin to come to peace with this realization on her own.
After all of this, she smiled as she said to me, "I am so glad you are who you are. You are on the right path. Keep following it." I looked up at her and for the first time that morning noticed the purple knit cap hugging her bald head, with a flower pattern designed into the knit. I gasped. "You are my flower!" I announced suddenly, "Thank you for being my flower." She had no idea what I was talking about but she saw my excitement and hugged me anyway. Friendship is often like that. When we allow a free expression, we receive love.
After a difficult goodbye, a long flight home, and a busy day of work, I sat down to finally work on some of this stuff I had been putting off while waiting for the message I hadn't received. A knock at the door interrupted me. My Jehovah's Witness visitors stood on the doorstep with their Bible. They read two scriptures to me... One about how Satan thought that God loved people more than the angels and believed that he could get people to love him instead, and so he fell. Another about how the snake put the doubt in Eve's mind that God really loved them, prompting the thought that the fruit was forbidden simply to keep them from being as knowledgeable as God. "That's interesting," I said afterwards. "I never thought about it quite like this before but both of those things are about DOUBT." "What do you mean?" they asked. "The angel doubted God's love for him... he doubted his own worthiness, and attempted to trick people into filling that hole. Eve, too, doubted God's love for her. She questioned whether or not the rules had really been set for her best interest and she gave into that doubt." They seemed intrigued by this observations but did not solidly agree with me and went on their way. I was beginning to recognize that doubt causes pain. Doubt causes resistance. Doubt causes us to seek love in the wrong places through the wrong means. Doubting God's love is what defined the depths of depression in my own life. Doubt is the opposite of TRUST.
Closing the door and leaning against it, I took a deep breath. I reflected on the past week with all of its emotional chaos. I thought about my life. I thought about death and illness and life and depression and happiness and all of the secrets to how I got from there to here. I know what blocks happiness- Doubt. And I now recognize what frees it- TRUST. Perhaps that was a message my friend needed to hear, but it was a message for me also. The answer had been right in front of me all along. It didn't come from the rock, it came through me... through my own ability to be in that space of connection. If you read my bio, it says that I have discovered the "key to living a joy-filled life." That's true. I do live in JOY. Regardless of any of the earth-shatters of life. And I am on a mission to help others do the same. But up until just yesterday, I couldn't have told you what that "key" really was.
The "key" is TRUST.
I am aware that to stand here and tell people who are suffering to just TRUST sounds absolutely insane. You don't just decide to trust and do it. It's a bit more difficult than that. I'm aware that the deeper in suffering you are, the more difficult it is. I've been there. I've struggled through loss, through illness, through grief, through depression.... and time and time again, right when I thought the world was ending and I could not go on a second more, I have fallen to my knees. I have opened to the love that is available. I have given up my need to control and I have found TRUST.
Trust is a process. It's a process of opening that involves tearing through all of those doubts and finding your own way to trust in the unfolding. I do this by acknowledging that I cannot understand all of the effects of anything. Every little thing ripples out to effect everything else. I cannot mentally follow and understand all of the effects. But I find myself able to trust that if i were to follow all of those ripples, the good would outweigh the bad. I bring myself to focus on my ripple...How am I allowing this to affect me? How am I growing through it? I focus on being a positive ripple... I choose to play my part in a higher purpose.
What has changed my life? What has brought me from the pits of despair into a joy filled existence? TRUST> Trust in my own worth, Trust in God's love, Trust in the greater unfolding that will return us to the ONE LOVE. Trust without expectations. Trust with open acceptance. Trust even in the face of tragedy we cannot understand. TRUST. I trust in my own worthiness, I trust in God's love for each and every one of us, and I have faith that everything in my life reflects that love, even when it's painful, even when I do not understand. This Trust in LOVE allows me great JOY. What greater JOY is there than LOVE?
"It may be the greatest joy but it is also the greatest pain," she said about love and I disagreed with her. Pain comes from expectations. When we love without expectation, when we trust without expectation, a momentary hurt will pass. When we trust without expectation, there is great freedom. I am not without doubt. I am not without fear. Trust is a constant process of opening and allowing. When things don't go the way I am hoping, I do have to remind myself. Do I want my friend to die? No! Am I praying for her to live? No, I'm not doing that either. Instead, I am praying for whatever is in her best interest. I am turning that over to God. Spirit knows more than me, of that much, I am sure.
If you want to learn to cultivate a TRUST that allows you to accept yourself, to feel loved, to see the positive in any situation, to grow and adapt more easily, to develop a full expression of yourself, to build your resiliency, and to maintain an inner state of peace regardless of external circumstance, I am here to support you on that journey. I am here to vouch for the freedom and the joy that it affords. I am here trusting that those who need this message will hear it. And from now on this is the "key" on which I will focus.