"Maybe love is simply the desire to stay..." I say brokenly, my voice trailing off as my head droops off the pillow. My arm flails over the side of the bed as the sweaty blankets unfurl from my clammy body at this sudden and unexpected intentional movement. He looks at me with mild concern for my delirium, and I close my eyes.
I've been floating again.
Hours upon hours of wavering between consciousness and... I don't even know what to call it... lack thereof... or even superconsciousness perhaps? It's a place where there are no boundaries, there are no lines, there are no definitions. There simply IS and all that IS is flowing beautifully in a magical union of sorts. It's a place without thought, without need, without want, and while initially alarming, I have learned to let go of the need to grasp at those things and just let them pass for awhile. In the past I would fight. I would fight so hard to grab onto the thoughts, to the needs to the wants, afraid that they would slip away. I have learned that the wave will pass and that I can allow it to pass peacefully when I just let go.
This is the same state that I have learned to reach through meditation. It is the same state that I have learned to observe when I look at a new leaf or the dew that hangs on a blade of grass and allow my senses to perceive the connection in that moment. People often ask me how I learned to meditate. The first time I experienced it, was actually during a panic attack... it was something I did with no knowledge but as a natural response to get myself through it by focusing on breath, light, and allowance. From that point I learned many pathways to this same state through observance and how I approach life in the day to day.
But today, here, this is in no way intentional. This is a hypoglycemic crash. A hypoglycemic crash that plunges me into a meditative state. I'm not sure if that is a result of it or again, simply a learned response that allows me to not freak out. I've been saying for years that some of my best insights have come from my thoughts unraveling in hypoglycemia and that to me, it is the same as a meditative state. I thought I was crazy. Just last week, however, I came across a study from the Archives of Internal Medicine that showed transcendental meditation lowers blood sugar levels, as well as increases insulin sensitivity. If meditative states lower blood sugar, it seems reasonable that lowered blood sugar can trigger meditative states. (I don't advise it as something you should try! Way too dangerous and definitely not intentional! Just bringing light to the relationship) To me, this validated what I had been saying all along. It doesn't matter how you get there. You have likely been there by accident as well. As a result of panic, or awe, or grief or any major human emotion that may have called forth the ability. The key is using those accidents to inspire intentional connection in your life.
Back to the story. It was a rough morning. I experienced the transcendental spirit and then I experienced the physical repercussions of that exact route to it. I am always aware of the choice to come back. I make a conscious choice to come back into those repercussions and I'm okay with that. I was contemplating the difference in how easy the choice has become compared to how difficult it has been in the past. We are always wavering between these states... spiritual and physical. We are always wavering. All of us. When I am floating on a cloud of oblivion feeling at peace and connected and spiritually plugged in and whole and one, I am aware that I do not need anything, and I often want to stay in this bubble of peace.
At different times in my life it has been more tempting than others. There are times, in a state of peace, when you just catch a glimpse of the possibility to return and you don't want to. This happens sometimes when meditating intentionally as well. Have you ever reached such a peace, that you just wanted to stay there? How do you come back? Why do you choose to? There is no real thought in that state, but after having experienced it, I don't blame myself at some points for not wanting to come back. Life is tumultuous. Why would one choose chaos? But there's always some person, some reminder that calls me to come back. Floating in this spiritual bliss, I catch a glimpse of my physical body and the concern of another, and I choose to come back into it. It is the Choice that interrupts the state.
For me, that choice is love. The choice to keep coming back and engaging in physical reality is love. We don't have to. None of us does. We choose to, again and again, every moment of every day in this physical world. Sitting under the tree in my backyard the other day for a short little meditation, I felt this same connection and I sensed that I do not need anything... ever. I felt certain that I could sit right where I was beneath this tree for eternity and be at peace. I had no thoughts of physical needs and I had no awareness of my body. I was in my infinite spirit and trusting its continuous existence regardless of the physical realm. The physical body has needs. The spirit does not. Our most basic needs that many of us struggle on a daily basis to meet - food, water, shelter- these are all physical needs. Would we die without food? People do. This is true. But the spirit lives on. When we come to really trust that, sometimes it all seems quite crazy. I mean, my body needs food to function, but I do not need food to exist. Keeping myself in this physical reality is always a choice. So why do I choose it?
When I am floating in the realm of oneness without thought or definition I am peaceful, but I cannot experience separateness of any kind. In order to experience the touch of another, we must feel separate. We are One. But in order to experience all aspects of ourself, we must divide. The paths must diverge in order to converge in a way that is balanced and sustainable for all. We must journey back to our core, learning to love all aspects along the way. I choose to experience love on this grander level - to experience varied unique expressions of this choice, of this love, that I know are all stemming from the same one source. I choose to conceptualize and understand that experience on a mental level. I choose to accept all expressions of this one as equally valid and equally beautiful while growing more fully into an expression of my own that can be merged with all of it. I choose to stay. That choice is love.
So, I continue to waver. Moving back and forth between the most spiritual and most physical aspects of myself, committing to finding a balance. It is my goal to bring this state of oneness into my everyday... not to retreat into it, but to live through it. I want to live without the boundaries, without the lines, without the definitions. I want to live in LOVE - in awareness of the peace and wholeness and in awareness of the choice for this divergence that allows us to converge together as we touch and grow into a deeper understanding of one another and of source. I want to allow this greater spiritual truth, this oneness, this peace, to flow through me into the physical world and the relationships I form in it. I want to be a doorway. A doorway through which others can recognize the spirit within themselves and let it shine. And for me, this choice, this choice to stay and experience one another... is Love . What are you choosing? What are you staying for?