I am sorry if you are hurting. I love you and it wasn't my intent. I think you will understand that I just don't belong in this world. I don't understand what's supposed to be important. There is so much running after things that do not matter. The things that DO matter, the things that ARE important, are buried and forgotten. No one understands. People think I'm crazy. I cannot do it anymore. I just can't..."
I was tired. I had hit my bottom. I was 19 years old and struggling to reconcile my spiritual truths with human existence. Something I had been struggling with for what seemed like eternity. I felt isolated. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood. None of the things that the world told me I "had" to do made sense to me. All of this time wasted to secure an unsure future that may or may not ever come to be.... when the truth was right here... right now... waiting to be set free. I wanted to love. I wanted to talk and to touch. I wanted to find new ways of looking at things that revealed ways to alleviate the tremendous pain that I saw.
I began my college experience with high hopes. I wanted to be in a community of seekers where we could talk about Oneness and meaning and beauty and grace, and through that touch develop a deeper sense of connection through which we could openly explore how to live it in the world. I wanted to change the priorities. I wanted to find a way to help. I wanted to broaden my perspectives and discover new possibilities. I wanted someone to tell me that this spiritual passage, this spiritual growth, this spiritual truth, was as important as I took it to be.... I thought this would be the place that I would finally find some answers.... some balance... some way to give this spiritual yearning the attention it needed to flourish to expression.
Instead I found more memorization of old paradigms. More structure. More expectation. More, "This is what you have to do to be successful in this society." More, "Do this and get that," and, "You must have this," and, "You must have that." More, "This is how it is," and, "That is all it will ever be." More, "Your future is bright if you live up to this qualification and follow through on these demands," with no implication of how any of this would help me serve the Whole. There was no room for questions. There was no room for discussion. There was no broadening of horizons or encouragement of new perspectives. There was no real growth. There was no room to discover how to share one's light in the world. Instead of finding the support I had hoped would help me to embrace my calling, I found myself doubting it's validity. I found myself doubting my own contribution. I found myself drowning in a sea of "not enough."
I had received diagnosis after diagnosis and been given medication after medication to help me "fit in" to a reality that I wasn't really sure I wanted to be in. I had been told time and time again, that I was in some way broken, that I was ill, that there was something wrong, that I didn't belong, that it wasn't normal to question things like time and existence and reality and the spiritual nature of our own BEing... and I was beginning to believe it... to accept that I would never "fit" here. To accept that there was no place for me in this world, no place for a spiritual expression in a physical existence. I didn't understand that it was possible to find balance. I didn't understand that it did not have to be one or the other... that there was a way to honor those spiritual truths AND live through them in a physical reality. I didn't know, and I was drowning in my own unknowing. I was suffocating on the calling of my own soul that I continued to shove down in order fit into what I thought the world expected.
It was the resistance that was draining. It was the resistance that held me back. It was my own resistance that prevented me from finding the happiness I longed for. It was my own resistance, my own doubt, my own need for external validation from the world around me, that prevented me from aligning with my soul. And it was my own refusal to recognize my role in that resistance that led me to want to run away and escape. I had tried many different escape methods that kept bringing me back to the same wretched reality... unable to balance the truths of my soul with the expression of my life... blaming the rest of the world for their non-acceptance... blaming my own fault for the isolation I perceived.
So, I wrote this letter. I gave up. And I attempted to take my own life.
Why am I telling you this? It is not a story I have previously shared in a public forum, and it needs to be told. We all have a calling. And whether that calling be a spiritual path, an artistic path, an engineer path, an entrepreneur path, or any other path that bursts forth from the depths of your soul, it is you! It is your expression! And it IS important. The world may tells you it is not. The world does not know. The world may not seem to "understand", that does not mean you cannot be "understood." There is a place for your message. There are people who need your truth. The world is often focused on the steps to "success" according to the terms of society. We are pushed to certain accomplishments, recognition, and pieces of paper that "prove" our worth so we can climb the ladder and get the promotions and make the money and pay the bills and look the part and buy the things that none of us needs but somehow so many of us think we "have" to have....
It is never too late to take the time. Take the time to look within your soul and listen for that call. Take the time to find the balance that allows you to answer it. It exists. It is possible. Lucky for me, I lived long enough to find it. You can, too. Ask the question, "Who am I and how can I be that in this world?" Ask, "What is my truth and how can I share it?" The answers will come! Each and every one of us has a message to live! You can bring that message into everything you do, even the remedial tasks of this physical existence.
Know who you are. And know what you bring. Be ready to deliver it. So that the next time someone says to you, "But that CAN"T pay the bills" or "How are you gonna support a family doing that?" or "What need does that address?" or "There's no market for that." or "You need to get x qualification to do some like that" or "That's just crazy" or "Normal people don't think about stuff like that" or "What are you talking about?" or any other derogatory comment that makes you feel like your message doesn't fit or your dream does not belong or what is important to you does not fit in this world, don't let it hinder you!
Know that you are enough! You are a unique expression! And while that balance may not be found overnight and yes, sometimes there are certain steps one has to take or education one needs to acquire in order to fulfill a particular role, your dreams are possible! What is important to you does matter! Your values ARE real! Answer that call! We hear a lot about following our passion and answering that call and a lot of what is out there makes it sound like an easy process. Listen, hear, respond. Find the thing that you are good at or that makes you happy and just keep doing it...
It's not usually that simple. It's not always just about what we are "good" at or what makes us "happy"... we are good at a lot of things and we can be happy doing anything that we bring the right mindset to. There's not one thing to fulfill you. Find your message... find your truth... move through the doubt, lay down the fear, find the trust, and THEN you can decide how you want to share it! You can bring that truth into anything that you do!
First, we must open enough to understand the journey of our soul. We must pay attention to what inspires us and how we feel and what we believe we've learned and how that reflects in the world around us. We must be willing to look inward and to grow. We must explore the depths of ourselves and what we have to bring to this world and why we want to bring it! Embrace your own worth! Your very existence as a part of this beautiful creation is the only validation you need! Recognize your gifts and ask how you can bring them forth in a way that does good in this world. How can your gifts best be brought? In a way that serves what you want in your life AND the Whole. What do you WANT to bring? What do you WANT to share? And what do you want your life to look like while you are doing it?
Then, you can ask what steps may be necessary to reach a point of expressing those gifts in that way and move toward it, all the while remaining open to new possibilities that may arise. Accept that the world does need what you have to give no matter the response from your immediate support system. You are enough! You are a gift to this world! We need your expression!!
I wish that someone had told me this back then, but at the same time, I accept in gratitude all of the lessons of the journey. As I lay there in that hospital bed 17 years ago, I found myself floating in the Oneness of the Universe... and I knew that it was not my time. I felt that there was more to do. I knew that I must find a way to balance these realities and express my truth in the world. It was another 6 years and a dozen more heartaches and tragedies and several more diagnoses before I really found my voice and the mode by which to express it... but I continued... and every moment brought me closer to the fulfillment of my soul. This is who I am, and this is who I have always been... I just needed to trust enough to find my voice. Grow into your expression. Start asking these questions now, knowing that an answer will be revealed to you. Take whatever comes and allow it to bring you to a deeper understanding of yourself and of the world. You will find your balance as long as you are open to the discovery. Keep growing. Trust the process. And if you need help with that, you can give me a call.
Love and Light.