What If It Doesn't Matter?
What if it doesn't matter what you do today? Whether you go out or stay in? Whether you take heed or ignore? Whether you take the precautions you can or decide to throw it all to the wind?
The past few mornings I've seen my newsfeed swirling with judgment. Things telling me I must be a horribly bad person for presiding over a wedding this weekend even though, yes, I am fully conscious of the risk and took every precaution I reasonably could (because obviously I am putting everyone at risk by not keeping myself on absolute lock down). Things telling me I'm a bad person for being cautious enough to take those precautions of immunity boosters and cleanliness and verifying that there was a reasonably low number of people (because obviously this is all overblown and not a serious issue and healthy people recover even though I'm not one of them).
Things telling me I should be angry at the handling or mishandling, at the consideration or lack thereof... things that we should or shouldn't do or that should've or shouldn't have been done.. and frankly... I'm tired of it. All of these things matter very little in comparison to what is and how I am choosing to stay in balance with it right now.
It seems like no matter what I'm doing, someone is telling me it is wrong. And I have something to say about that.
What if the choices we make don't matter nearly as much as we think they do? What if, if I'm going to die tomorrow, I'm going to die tomorrow, whether my immunocompromised self contracts a deadly virus at a wedding I'm officiating or falls backward down the stairs in the house I've been holed up in for the past 3 weeks? What if none of our actions are "right" or "wrong" and everything is happening just as it needs to? What if I have no control over any of it? And what if that's okay?
My husband came home from the retirement facility where he works and where everything is on lock down and the status of actual positives within any near radius is constantly updated and where all employees must pass a health assessment before even clocking in, and was visibly concerned about me being high risk (let alone going out to this wedding). And I get that. No one likes to contemplate loss...
But at the same time, it's not bothering me one bit. Not because I think I'm invincible or don't consider this a serious issue. Not because I don't believe it will touch me. But because I'm not afraid. I believe I will die when it's my time to die and if that happens tomorrow, I've lived my life in such a way that I am at peace with that. I believe that things unfold in a way that supports our forward growth as a whole even when it's difficult or ugly or doesn't happen the way I'd like it.
Does that mean I'm not still taking what precautions I can... like eating healthy nutritious immunity boosting foods (like I always do) and drinking daily immunity tonic and getting my exercise (like I always do) and meditating regularly (like I always do) and taking my vitamins and spending time with my family and making time for some play to keep myself sane and maintaining my personal hygiene and the cleanliness of my space (like I always do) and not traveling out to unnecessary places (which is worth keeping everyone safe)? Of course I am doing these things! We are given the option to do these things as a blessing. We are given ways to support ourselves and yes, I believe we should take them. I don't however, believe that guarantees us the outcome we hope it will bring... it just allows us to feel content with ourselves in the process and that's still an important thing. Ultimately, it may not matter what we do, but that doesn't mean there is no benefit in doing what we can anyway.
At the same time, if something calls me to serve or go out for the purpose of honoring my values (like presiding over a wedding or delivering some lunches for the school district or meeting with the volunteer director of the hospice or caring for some neighborhood kids so they can get some fun in), I am going to go give that service, and I'm not apologizing for it. I am so incredibly grateful to have been a part of a celebration of love that saw the risk and decided that solidifying this bond right now today (in the only guaranteed moment we have) even in the middle of fear and chaos was worth it. And I am thrilled right now to have a house full of neighborhood children (multiple preteens and a few 6 year olds, all reasonably healthy & clean which I did emphasize the importance of first) who spent the night at our house and are now all drinking some of that immunity tonic with a nutritious breakfast and enjoying one another's company this morning (something we do need).
Will I support my health and balance in whatever way I know how? You bet. Will I seek to protect others as well and avoid excessive interaction with people whose health and exposure or vulnerability I have no knowledge of? You bet. Am I cancelling my classes and doing my client appointments and meditations online? Of course. Will I let my desire to keep living stop me from doing what I can to help others and stepping out where called to serve? No way. It is more important to me to be at peace with where I am and what I am doing right now than to fight for control over an outcome that I can't guarantee, so that when death comes, it brings no regrets. And if that offends you, you're entitled to feel that way, but I'm not sorry for it.
This is actually happening. While the disease itself seems to be survivable for otherwise healthy individuals, it is spreading quietly and quickly, and it is killing, and people are at risk. However it got here or whatever steps failed to prepare for it or even whatever steps everyone else may be taking right now that you feel are feeding it, are not the important thing. Right now, we don't really know how far it extends or how many are affected due to lack of testing and rapid expansion. We do see devastation elsewhere and can start preparing now for it to come our way. We do know there are some measures we can take to better protect one another and we do know there are things we can calmly do for ourselves to keep ourselves feeling more okay. What matters is that you consider the whole while taking the best steps to support and maintain you. What matters is that we all continue to accept and love and support one another regardless of any choice we see made. We're all in different places with different knowledge and different callings, and it will all come together in a grander way.
Can everyone totally limit their interactions and outings? Probably not. People still have to go to work and feed their families (like my husband is) and that is okay. There are a lot of variables here and whatever you have to do, I understand that you have reasons for it. Is there some scary shit happening? You bet. But maybe this debate is just like all the others. There is logic and understandable human emotion on both sides (as there normally is) and whether you decide the only way to stay sane is to move into the bar or lock yourself inside, I love you and hope you make it through this.
There are some difficult decisions ahead. We're all allowed to make these decisions in the best way we know how. I hope that we can all do our best to support ourselves and one another through this. As it stands, I'm not a big fan of judging the "right" and "wrong" of any of it, because I don't believe things are quite as black and white as that, and I find it a waste of energy (and immunity) to spend my time on it. It is okay to feel disappointed, or angry, or scared, or frustrated with all of these things we have to sort through right now. Allow those feelings. Process the grief. Spend some time honing in on what really matters to you and aligning your individual choices with it. Focus on what you do have and choose how you can use that to take your next best step through all this, whatever that looks like to you.
It doesn't have to be "only" this or "always" that. You are allowed to look at each personal decision as it's own event, and choose your personal response to it, that best honors your balance, your values, and overall community wellness. Trust your heart to guide you through and do whatever you feel is the best thing to support yourself, your loved ones, and your community right now while remaining aware of the bigger picture. I just wanted to tell you all, that whatever decisions you are making, whether or not they come anywhere near to mine, I hope you are honoring you and I love you wherever you are in this.
I'd rather be in love than be "right" and I'm hoping we all make it through this.
Peace and Blessings,